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- how to apologize in four steps
Nobody likes apologizing. Pride and ego get involved. Saying “I’m sorry,” makes you feel pathetic and small. The key to building and mending relationships is acknowledging that the relationship itself is the focus of the conversation. Here’s how to do it in four F words:
Facts. Feelings. Feelings. Fixes.
Facts
Dive right into the facts. Avoid anything about judgment, intention, or your interpretation of the situation.
Yes: “Last week, I ate your pudding.”
No (interpretation): Last week, I accidentally ate your pudding.
No (judgment): Last week, I ate your pudding when I shouldn’t have.
No (going too fast): I’m sorry for eating your pudding last week.
Your Feelings
Make a guess of how they feel. It’s ideal to be accurate, but there’s a good chance you won’t grasp the full width of their emotions, so be prepared to be interrupted or listen to their sharing from hereon in.
Feelings don’t have to be one single word, they can be conceptual.
Yes: “I imagine this made you feel sad, maybe disappointed, maybe hungry, maybe like you weren’t able to enjoy something you were looking forward to, or you feel like your trust was violated because you feel like the fridge is supposed to be a safe place for your things.”
You don’t have to say all that, but you can.
Erring on the side of more information is better than too little.
The more people feel like you care about their feelings, the better.
My Feelings about your feelings and our relationship
This is where you can put in apology words while showing that you feel remorse.
“I feel terrible because I want you to feel safe around me and I want us to have a good relationship” or “I feel ashamed and regretful because I want you to feel comfortable in the house and my actions contributed to the opposite of that” or “I’m terribly embarrassed and sorry because I want us to have a good relationship and I hurt it.”
Fix-it’s
The most meaningful apology comes with a guide to how to avoid a situation like this in the future, or how to fix the situation at hand.
It can be simple, like “I’ll buy you a new one/replace it,” or require creative thinking if it’s about a habit or string of actions. It could be, “I’ll set up some kind of system for ensuring this doesn’t happen again.”
Remember, apologizing isn’t bad. You’ll get over saying I’m sorry if you are prioritizing the relationship over the moment of discomfort. And they’ll appreciate the message.
Communication teacher Dr. Roxy Manning has her own thoughts on why to never say “I’m sorry” which we can get into one day.
Enjoy the day,
O
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